Mark Twain: "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too can become great. When you are seeking to bring big plans to fruition, it is important with whom you regularly associate. Hang out with friends who are like-minded and who are also designing purpose-filled lives. Similarly be that kind of a friend for your friends."

what an incredible meeting it was. from the first time i met him, literally, the first time, i was impressed by him...to see him again a year later was coincidental...and then the following year, to see him again, to be remembered by him was...intoxicating.

i've heard people say these high and lofty ideas when it came to love and i honestly never thought it was true. i thought they had to be exaggerating even in the slightest. but every day i experience exponentially more love and excitement being with him than the day before. to write of the things that are in my heart or that he says to me would sound like i had made them up.........

we begin again....

while i don't think 6 months is a lengthy time by any stretch of the imagination, it feels like a lifetime has passed since i last posted...to read where i was and to know where i am now...so much has gone on...and so i thought it appropriate to begin again where we left off...
many previous postings have been about the lament of my love life, the torment and sometimes tumultuous existence i had as a single woman. and really it's been in these past 6 months that my life has changed profoundly and permanently. i no longer wish to be seen or known; i am known. i no longer want for things i could only dream of; my dreams have been met and entirely exceeded. i no longer hope that one day i will be loved and chosen; he chooses me and he loves me incredibly so. there is no hiding, no embarrassment, no fear, no pain, no trepidation, just love. this deep-seated, pure, unconditional, unabashed, limitless love for my other.

someone asked awhile ago who i would like to meet...my only response was 'a soul similar to mine, somewhere in the vicinity of my arms'.
and somehow that happened.

scatterings of thought/brain matter

"Now let me say this. You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever had the privilege to be around. I mean it. There are very few men that can spot beauty from across the room and there are many women who half-ass it, but you, you radiate it."

Somehow, for some reason, the fact that the man who told me this has impaired vision and dementia didn't negate his compliment. There was a sweet persistent innocence about him that made his claim credible.
I hope for the day, not necessarily that I believe the above statement about myself, but that someday I'd be able to navigate between the lies and truths being told to me by others who have all their faculties.
I hate being deceived.
I'm exhausted by males who promise the future to get what they want in the present.
I'm someone who despite my experiences- both good and bad- I've somehow maintained my naivete...and I find myself thinking that since I wouldn't do something to a person, they surely wouldn't do it to me. So when I find out the compliment was a lie, the invitation on an adventure was empty, they judge my actions more harshly than they judge their own, or they aren't who they claim to be...most often, I'm blindsided by it.
I'm tired of falsity, being unfulfilled, being lied to, looked over, used...I just want someone who is believable, someone who will stop me from wasting all my love, someone who is trustworthy, someone who is worth the risk it takes to expose my heart, someone who takes the risk to choose me...
In other news, I decided I'd rather emanate love than beauty if I had to choose, but I do still wonder, why can't I have both? Or is it that since love is beautiful, if I emanate love, I emanate beauty?

anchored

if it's not permanent; it's temporary.

and in this life, it seems even the things that were meant to be permanent have become temporary. nothing is forever: marriages dissolve, love stales, pregnancies aborted, residences destroyed, lives lost, memories fade, dreams abandoned...

but knowing this, i still crave permanence of sorts. nothing big and extravagant. not that it won't change in the future...just something that anchors me, that i anchor...

that desire is probably a big clue as to why i love my tattoos. they're a beautiful part of me. they make my story have significance. i created them and yet, they continue to create me. they are always with me, which i realize sounds redundant, but they are my story in ink. my life in pictures. my own personal anchors.

happiness

I've found happiness again.
Do you ever have those things in your life, where all you really need is a shifting of your perspective?
Injuries happen, people change their minds, tell lies and do other things in an attempt to assuage their own pain. It's true. It's a part of life. The sad thing is for some, the injury becomes their only focus and in their myopic existence, they are devoured by what they have allowed to take precedence.
But not for me. There are too many good things for the taking. Too many possibilities floating around to not take a chance. Too many waves crashing on the shore to just watch; they beckon me to join in their joy.
Something subtle happened in the last few weeks and the pain I knew gave way to the joy I now know. I woke up one day and realized I was alright. My heart was still beating. It was no longer breaking or hurting. It was no longer an effort to get through a day. And so with that, I smiled and the strength that came with the realization of being better than fine allowed me to reach out and be brave. And with that bravery came bliss.
So truly, happiness is all around and there for the taking. It's beckoning us to join, it tempts us to hope and dream, it calls us to live a life that is focused on the silver lining without cowering in fear of the coming rain.

on another note...

I've finally found a tattoo artist that is incredible. I sat for 3 hours the other night and he fixed the crappy tattoos that I've hated for the past few years. I will never again get ink from anyone else.
So happy.

In ironic news, apparently 'cutting and running' is a common theme for TV shows too...here's my favorite quote from this weeks shows that I watch...
"You do not get to just cut and run just because you're afraid of not knowing what comes next...It is not okay to just walk away and pretend like it doesn't matter! I mean to have something incredible and not even see what is right in front of your face...so what, everybody has issues. You need to be there for them, love them, grow up and be a man! You need to not hurt the woman who loves you."

...so there's my injury speaking. It's getting quieter and quieter though...give it time...

blame it on the rain...

Is it weird that I don't think you're a bad person and almost feel bad for posting my thoughts on our relationship?
I don't know how the previous post makes you sound, but I truly don't think you're an ass. It wasn't written in anger or disgust; it was just the process my heart took to realize the lesson I had just been through.

Looking back on it, I realize that when you were the guy who treated me like his princess; the romantic and kinder version of you, I remember waiting for the other shoe to drop. I remember the flares of my cynicism being quelled by the constant outpouring of your intrigue, interest and concern for me. I remember marveling in wonderment at love and generally just being amazed and overwhelmed at the prospect that this was the real deal. And I remember being breathless...in such a blissful and perfect way.

So when your other side surfaced and I once again found myself in a relationship that was getting further away from 'healthy', I reverted to old ways of thinking. I went back to believing that it was how I deserved to be treated. I went back to thinking it was how relationships were supposed to be or how I was supposed to feel. And somehow I committed to it. Or I felt committed to it at least. And with that realization, it was a short-lived and quick downhill trip to misery.
And it was in that misery I looked at the relationship for what it had become...or maybe what it had been all along, I don't know...but I finally realized you were still in love with her. As a side note, I don't hate you for choosing her over me. I truly don't. I just wish you had been honest. That frustrates me. I hate lip service.
The part of me that was made the fool wishes I wouldn't have ignored the signs, but the majority of me wonders if they're signs because of hindsight...

ridiculous love...happy vday...

here's the explanation i'll give for what's been going on...it's a smattering of clips of entries i've been writing for awhile, it’s not in order, nor is it anywhere near polished and ready for the public, but then again, what about me ever is?
please enjoy, hate, er, something...just read it and let me know what you think...


What happened? You portrayed this tender, kind, honest person...afraid on our first date of putting yourself out there too much, someone who had hurt and been hurt, trustworthy, strong, sensitive, open, seeking life and living life. You were comfortable, you were happy, you were healthy...and then you changed. You went from attentive, loving and kind to calloused, detached and cold.
The first change came in November…I cut you some slack because you had mentioned the holidays were stressful for you and you were already stressed about work and I assumed some of the changes I was seeing could be attributed to that. You wanted to cool down, so we did. But then December came and you became less and less attached to me. In fact, you would do things intentionally to push me away or leave me out. And when called on it, you wouldn’t even acknowledge it. I didn’t understand what happened; how you had became this shell of the person I knew before. And then when things didn’t improve, I gave you what you had been acting like you wanted- I gave us a break. You needed time to think. You said I confused you even more and so a break would be good to give you some space. So you took the break and cut off all communication with me. You ignored me even more than before. You blamed it on being stressed and tired. Surprise. And then for the finale, I broke it off with you. And you didn’t even respond. Well, 2 days later you did with an apology of some sort.
Clearly I played into your hand. How could I be such a fool? You wanted me to break up with you so you would be able to chalk the relationship up to ‘she broke up with me’. I can just see it now…people ask why we’re not together and that’s all you’ll say. But oh how I wish you would be honest with them and tell them the whole story.
You aren’t choosing to be the man you started out to be…and I can see you right now saying, ‘well, this is how I am’…and that’s such BS because you are better than this. You are better than how you treated me. You are better than how you treat yourself or your family. You are smarter than you’ll ever admit. The legacy you’re writing, the way you live your life, the choices you make, how you treat yourself and others is not how your parents taught you to live. You are better and you know it. It’s just way easier to pretend you’re not so you can go on living in such a way where not even flies land on you.
What makes me feel crazy is that I know you’re better than this, you know you’re better than this and yet you refuse to show even the slightest decency to me, the smallest regard by acknowledging your complicity. It’s maddening to know that you’re incredible and that you’re refusing to be incredible. It’s as stupid to me as someone who knows how to swim and yet chooses not to, so they drown.
I think part of loving someone is giving them what they ask for and you kept asking me to leave, so I finally did. You had me believe that you were trying to work it out when you simply weren’t. I gave you chance after chance and even when you refused to show me the slightest bit of grace I still let things slide. If I treated you the way you treated me, you would have walked out a long time ago. You requested I give you more time and then you just walked out on me and don’t even care that you hurt me. You said you cared for me. You told me to dream. You invited me on an adventure and then you walked out.
I loved you the best I knew how. I pulled strength and dignity from reserves I didn’t even know existed so I could stand under the burdens you placed on me. I was willing to hold on because I knew that inside of you is a champion. I wanted honesty and to be loved and I was patient. I was there for you, mostly at the expense of myself...like when you would yell at me for my past relationships and judge me and make me feel like I’m second rate for things I did before I even knew you. I would sit there and take it because I thought you would work it out, I thought you needed time to deal. Or when you’d get drunk, call me names and say stupid shit but then try to laugh it off as if you didn’t mean it- I gave you the benefit of the doubt and let it go. The conversations we’d have when you painted me into your future, creating a future with us and our kids and the house...the whole nine yards. I wanted to have your babies and grow old with you. I would rather fight with you than not talk to you. I didn’t make fun of you and was extremely careful to protect you. And even in my hurt and pain, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to be a burden or cause you pain. And sometimes it seemed like you wanted to injure me just for sport, just to ‘spice things up’ or incite me to a point where I’d fight with you and prove that I was like all the others before me.
So, if someone asks why it is that we ended, tell them it ended because you wanted it to and you took every chance you could to break me down, hurt me, use me, lie to me and break me. You took every cheap shot and low blow repeatedly to wear me down and that finally you reached success. You finally found the button to make me walk away, even though you could never find the button to make me fight with you. You finally poured enough salt in the wound that is currently my heart. You finally caused enough pain in my life where staying where I was would mean death to all things good and priceless in me. You finally made me question my worth and beauty enough to make me cry because you refused to answer questions. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be, but I tried my hardest and was honest. I was warm when you were cold. I believed you when you asked me to, I tried to not ask questions when you asked me not to, I supported you when you needed it, I helped you when you needed it and I offered help even if you didn’t need it, just because I wanted you to know that you weren’t alone. Despite my efforts to make you happy, to make you feel loved, to make you feel honored, special and on top of the world, you refused to accept them and instead pissed all over them. And so, until you choose to change, until you choose to be healthy and until you choose to pull your head out of your own ass, you will continue to poison yourself, hurt everyone in your life and continue to dwell in places of pain and injury. That is, until YOU choose to change, you will only perpetuate the pain you’re choosing to hold onto.

I am unlike any other woman you’ll ever know. Don’t even try to compare me to your past. And someday when you are in my recently held position, wanting so much for the other person to hold onto you the way you’re holding on to them, my prayer is that they will treat you with infinitely more grace, love and deference than you have ever shown me.
I can’t believe I spent all that energy and time trying to convince you of your worth when you spent just as much time and considerably more effort trying to show me how much I wasn’t worth. I deserve better and now I know better. I deserve a guy that tries to make it work and wants to make it work with me. I deserve that guy that thought I was his dream girl and was captivated by me and breathless when he would look at me and talk to me. I am that girl, I am phenomenal and worth the risk. I am so much more than what you tried to reduce me to.
I’m done pretending. And I’m most certainly done waiting for that awesome person to come back. I’m tired of waiting for you to decide what you want. But mostly, I’m just done with it all and I've left the confusion behind.

happy old year

Despite the fact that I'm merely 340 days behind my running daily New Years resolution from 07 for 08, I think I've figured out why the end of the year remains such a satisfying and anticipatory time for me...I get such a sense of accomplishment in surviving another year and living as best as I knew and learning so so much...another year is done...time never stops...

I never knew this to be more true than one day at work, I had just finished my shift and one of my residents passed. It was a complete shock...from left field entirely. I was heartbroken for her because we were finally making progress...and when I went into her room to say goodbye, I fought the tears back and avoided eye contact with my co-workers that were gathering to pay their respects...and as I stood at the foot of her bed, completely dumbfounded, I saw the secondhand keep trudging along in its well worn path around the face of her wristwatch. And in that split second, I was shocked and devastated. Somewhere in me there was a cry begging for time to stand still and I felt there was a crude injustice being done by the ticking of the secondhand; as if time should pause, even just for a second to pay respect to this woman, or at the very least, her own watch should know to stop when she was gone.
I'm sure you've heard the quote..."everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives"...and I can tell you, I walked out of her room that day and everyday since when one of my residents passes, appreciative of life, thankful for time and with this sense of responsibility to myself, my future and my legacy to live. To live life and take notice of the seconds. To pay attention to the pain that is created and washed away, the lives that are lost and the people that leave.

So as another year closes and another greets us with shining hope and unforeseen troubles, I am thankful for my life, for every second that has gotten me here and for every second that I will get to live in this next one...

lesson learned in 08

I realized recently that “roots” for me doesn’t necessarily mean a place anymore. It’s having a history and being able to live life with someone- these are my roots and the home for my dreams. I feel like I’m turning into a banyan tree instead of an oak…my roots grow horizontally; connecting me to the life around me, keeping me attached to the life I helped shape. And even though my roots don’t run quite as deep as others, they’re just as strong and just as beautiful.
Knowing this frees me to pursue living, buying a house, settling down…whatever the case, I’m able to do it because I know the attachment isn’t to a city or a house or stuff, it’s to the person with whom I share life.

I’m learning a lot lately.
And I like it.

judge or not to judge

when i reflect on my life and different situations, often i find that i'm waiting to be judged.
judged on what, you may ask?

judged for my heart, ideas, body shape, weight, IQ, past, future, choices, taste, dreams...who knows. but i find that i am waiting for judgment from people and what's more is that sometimes i actually care. sometimes i want to know what people think of me and why.
and i don't think it's searching for an injury, despite the inevitable bracing that occurs and the gnawing pit of anxiety that my stomach turns into...
maybe it's just part of being human. i think everyone, at some level, in spite of being confident and secure, everyone waits for that nod of acceptance from someone, the look of approval...something i guess that shows we're accepted, that we're there, that someone somehow has reached through their own pain and touched us...it's validating to be seen, to be accepted, included...
so despite knowing my worth in God's eyes and that i do have significance...there still arises the occasion where i want to know just on a human level, what people think of me...is that so wrong?

argh

i am a procrastinator. it's true. there is just no denying it.
i've always been good under pressure. it's how i operate, how i think best, how i negotiate best...is when i am up against the wall...time is running out...emotions have no place, it's just me and my wits outsmarting my opponent...


and yet, how smart can i really be when i continue to wait to the last minute to educate myself? if it was something that could be learned in an hour, i'm sure the class wouldn't be several months long, right?

lol