i was watching criss angel mind freak...it was late, i couldn't sleep...
he pushed a tree over in some state somewhere...and all i could think was, 'wow, you totally just uprooted a beautiful and terribly expensive living being with no regard whatsoever for the soil or root structure that it has probably taken years to create. you probably just severely damaged the surrounding trees, not to mention killed the very palm tree you picked. awesome.'
all these women are fawning over him and are basically propositioning him and it made me laugh because all i could think was, 'he could be the worst lay ever but play a mind trick and make you think it was the most awesome ever. haha.' and i laughed.
he looks like a freak. why is it that all the people who can do magic are like all 'dark and death'? and what's with the hair and the guyliner....and a lisp? i mean, seriously? please, stop. it's comical. makes him look like the son of gene simmons. not something that's on my list of life goals. just sayin.
he actually said, 'no one can stop me from accomplishing what's in my head, i'm fully committed to what i want to do.' don't get me wrong, i admire the dedication. but seriously, he's a malignant narcissist.
sad.
20080717
20080715
20080708
impossible
i've never wanted so much and failed so greatly at being remembered. it's absurd. i mean, really.
what stinks the most is just when i think i've made a dent in your memory, that i've made a lasting impression, the truth is i haven't and it's then that i realize that there is no room for me in your heart, mind or life...
i used to think i was impossible to forget just extremely difficult to remember, but now i'm thinking the former is no longer true. you have opened my eyes to the new reality...i am just impossible to remember, an invisible memory, the dream you wish you could remember once you've opened your eyes, but alas, i vanish....
what stinks the most is just when i think i've made a dent in your memory, that i've made a lasting impression, the truth is i haven't and it's then that i realize that there is no room for me in your heart, mind or life...
i used to think i was impossible to forget just extremely difficult to remember, but now i'm thinking the former is no longer true. you have opened my eyes to the new reality...i am just impossible to remember, an invisible memory, the dream you wish you could remember once you've opened your eyes, but alas, i vanish....
20080619
ponder this
it seems pretty wide-spread and well-known that men want sex and women want relationships...so why are both sides continually surprised when these realities materialize?
20080618
...
and it's weird, because even seven years later i have this desire, this borderline compulsion, to explain to the people i left what happened to me, as if somehow telling them now would redeem the aloneness that i felt so deeply...but at the same time i have this fear that if anyone from there catches wind of this, they wouldn't believe me....
i know it to be true. i lived it. i struggled to face each day. i gasped for hope. i survived.
i know it to be true. i lived it. i struggled to face each day. i gasped for hope. i survived.
20080617
my least favorite
as a follow up to yesterday's post, i thought i'd go ahead and let yall in on my least favorite bad thing that has ever happened to me. please read with caution (and tenderness) though...
i am cautious to post this...it's not a widely-known part of my life, it's been protected for many years, for many reasons. i still haven't been able to tell my parents...don't know if ever i will...
it's one of those things that set off a course of events and undoubtedly, without it happening, i would most likely never have gone on the adventure that led me to alaska and honestly, the discovery of my heart and the true God. while these are marvelous things that i am forever grateful for discovering, it's still hard at times to look at the leaving of that place as a good thing. i'll explain...
the early parts of my life were spent growing up in georgia, we moved to florida and i remember feeling as though i didn't belong. i know most people have that period in their life where they just feel awkward and left out, overlooked, forgotten, forgettable...something, but whatever you may call it, alone is what it feels like. i left my home in florida for a school in the middle-of-nowhere, indiana and for the first time in my short life, i felt a commonality with the people i brushed my teeth next to in the morning and the people i'd stand in line with in the dining commons. there was a sense of community unlike anything i had known before. it was beautiful. i was so encouraged by the realness of those i lived with and my curiosity was piqued to push myself to become who God created me to be. i was incredibly blessed to find one of my soul mates there...he and i were two hands of a prayer, he was my best friend. we learned from each other, we learned together. we challenged each other.
i met this other guy there. well, actually i had met him a number of years prior when i went for a visit...but he was back at the school to finish his degree and we became fast friends. we hung out, went to eat, skipped class, went for walks, watched movies, went to sporting events...it was a typical kick-ass friendship that i loved. people would always comment on our visible chemistry and ask us both why we weren't together...one night after a long day of being ill, i went to his room to watch another movie and the unthinkable happened. i was at a loss.
you see, i had grown up so naive, that i assumed it was a natural part of adult relationships and although i said no, i blamed myself. i felt guilty. after he stopped coming to class, stopped coming to chapel and turned and walked the other way when he saw me on campus, i figured something was wrong. i had never seen him act weird. i found out a few short days later that he started dating a different girl. i was crushed. the one time i did have a chance to ask what had happened, he blamed me and just walked away. i was devastated. the end of the year came and i moved to colorado for the summer. i was alone, so very alone and without the ability to make it all stop hurting or at the very least, make it make sense. the fall semester started and i was determined to have fun during the year, grow, make friends, and hopefully finally move past the heartbreak of the last year.
i soon found out that something had been broken inside me and while all i was doing was ignoring it, the brokenness kept growing underneath my facade and was quickly consuming me. i didn't have the words, didn't even know that it was considered assault, to process what had happened, so i feebly went about life. i was a mess to say the least. there were many dark days and even more darker nights. i was in counseling, but couldn't tell my counselor about the event. my best friend, the guy that could breach any boundary, his touch and presence made me nauseous and i didn't know why. nothing made sense. my life, the life that i had felt so incredibly blessed to live the past year had become a living nightmare, my only recess was restless sleep and one unlikely girl friend, whom to this day, i believe God sent her specifically to me for that semester...if for nothing more than to fight the pain with laughter...
there are many things i don't remember about that last semester but these i do: i failed classes, i dyed my hair, i wore dark dark eyeliner, i stopped talking to people, i stopped trusting people, i cut myself, i dreamed of death. i remember at one really low point, there was a suicide on campus and her picture graced the cover of our newspaper. i distinctly remember looking at her picture and the hollowness in her eyes scared me. it felt like i was looking into the abyss that my life was quickly becoming and it frightened me. my dreams flittered through my mind, my hope, my once held dearly passions...and then jealousy surfaced; she had found her way out of the pain. it wasn't until a dear friend walked in on me cutting that i realized all my attempts to assuage my pain on my own were actually hurting other people; i had failed, yet again. i remember a prayer meeting that was held in our building and all i remember is standing there trying to reach out for help, crying, asking for forgiveness for being angry at the other female and literally making a fool of myself. i remember going home for christmas vacation and it was the first time i had seen my father cry for me. he asked me to come home now because if i didn't, the next time would be for my burial. i knew then my only choice was to leave the place.
i know my pain was public, but i don't think anyone cared. i mean, these people didn't know the depths of pain or darkness i had traversed. they didn't know what happened. they just saw it as a relationship that ended. no one knew. i was alone once again.
it's been seven years now since the event...and it's still difficult when all is considered- the friendships that were lost, the people that i don't talk to, my exit from that place as the 'crazy person', the humiliation and shame i went through...it's still difficult at times to see the good. and i don't know if i'll ever be able to see it entirely on this side of eternity...but i am who i am partly because of it. i am strong. i was broken. i was robbed of my innocence. i know the inside of that trench and my story has helped others around me. i am sensitive. i am empathetic. i am courageous. i was wounded, not only by him, but by the disappearance of those whom i loved. i was wounded, but Time has healed me and soon, maybe it will look like the rest of my scars...
i am cautious to post this...it's not a widely-known part of my life, it's been protected for many years, for many reasons. i still haven't been able to tell my parents...don't know if ever i will...
it's one of those things that set off a course of events and undoubtedly, without it happening, i would most likely never have gone on the adventure that led me to alaska and honestly, the discovery of my heart and the true God. while these are marvelous things that i am forever grateful for discovering, it's still hard at times to look at the leaving of that place as a good thing. i'll explain...
the early parts of my life were spent growing up in georgia, we moved to florida and i remember feeling as though i didn't belong. i know most people have that period in their life where they just feel awkward and left out, overlooked, forgotten, forgettable...something, but whatever you may call it, alone is what it feels like. i left my home in florida for a school in the middle-of-nowhere, indiana and for the first time in my short life, i felt a commonality with the people i brushed my teeth next to in the morning and the people i'd stand in line with in the dining commons. there was a sense of community unlike anything i had known before. it was beautiful. i was so encouraged by the realness of those i lived with and my curiosity was piqued to push myself to become who God created me to be. i was incredibly blessed to find one of my soul mates there...he and i were two hands of a prayer, he was my best friend. we learned from each other, we learned together. we challenged each other.
i met this other guy there. well, actually i had met him a number of years prior when i went for a visit...but he was back at the school to finish his degree and we became fast friends. we hung out, went to eat, skipped class, went for walks, watched movies, went to sporting events...it was a typical kick-ass friendship that i loved. people would always comment on our visible chemistry and ask us both why we weren't together...one night after a long day of being ill, i went to his room to watch another movie and the unthinkable happened. i was at a loss.
you see, i had grown up so naive, that i assumed it was a natural part of adult relationships and although i said no, i blamed myself. i felt guilty. after he stopped coming to class, stopped coming to chapel and turned and walked the other way when he saw me on campus, i figured something was wrong. i had never seen him act weird. i found out a few short days later that he started dating a different girl. i was crushed. the one time i did have a chance to ask what had happened, he blamed me and just walked away. i was devastated. the end of the year came and i moved to colorado for the summer. i was alone, so very alone and without the ability to make it all stop hurting or at the very least, make it make sense. the fall semester started and i was determined to have fun during the year, grow, make friends, and hopefully finally move past the heartbreak of the last year.
i soon found out that something had been broken inside me and while all i was doing was ignoring it, the brokenness kept growing underneath my facade and was quickly consuming me. i didn't have the words, didn't even know that it was considered assault, to process what had happened, so i feebly went about life. i was a mess to say the least. there were many dark days and even more darker nights. i was in counseling, but couldn't tell my counselor about the event. my best friend, the guy that could breach any boundary, his touch and presence made me nauseous and i didn't know why. nothing made sense. my life, the life that i had felt so incredibly blessed to live the past year had become a living nightmare, my only recess was restless sleep and one unlikely girl friend, whom to this day, i believe God sent her specifically to me for that semester...if for nothing more than to fight the pain with laughter...
there are many things i don't remember about that last semester but these i do: i failed classes, i dyed my hair, i wore dark dark eyeliner, i stopped talking to people, i stopped trusting people, i cut myself, i dreamed of death. i remember at one really low point, there was a suicide on campus and her picture graced the cover of our newspaper. i distinctly remember looking at her picture and the hollowness in her eyes scared me. it felt like i was looking into the abyss that my life was quickly becoming and it frightened me. my dreams flittered through my mind, my hope, my once held dearly passions...and then jealousy surfaced; she had found her way out of the pain. it wasn't until a dear friend walked in on me cutting that i realized all my attempts to assuage my pain on my own were actually hurting other people; i had failed, yet again. i remember a prayer meeting that was held in our building and all i remember is standing there trying to reach out for help, crying, asking for forgiveness for being angry at the other female and literally making a fool of myself. i remember going home for christmas vacation and it was the first time i had seen my father cry for me. he asked me to come home now because if i didn't, the next time would be for my burial. i knew then my only choice was to leave the place.
i know my pain was public, but i don't think anyone cared. i mean, these people didn't know the depths of pain or darkness i had traversed. they didn't know what happened. they just saw it as a relationship that ended. no one knew. i was alone once again.
it's been seven years now since the event...and it's still difficult when all is considered- the friendships that were lost, the people that i don't talk to, my exit from that place as the 'crazy person', the humiliation and shame i went through...it's still difficult at times to see the good. and i don't know if i'll ever be able to see it entirely on this side of eternity...but i am who i am partly because of it. i am strong. i was broken. i was robbed of my innocence. i know the inside of that trench and my story has helped others around me. i am sensitive. i am empathetic. i am courageous. i was wounded, not only by him, but by the disappearance of those whom i loved. i was wounded, but Time has healed me and soon, maybe it will look like the rest of my scars...
20080616
my most favorite
i know bad things happen to everyone and it seems like a good portion of the time, the bad things have these really valuable lessons intrinsically woven in them...for me, i've been able to pinpoint my most favorite bad thing and my least favorite bad thing that have happened to me over the years.
this one is by far, my most favorite. which is good, because it contains my most favorite quote as well...
it has to do with a guy...we had been friends, i wanted more, he didn't, we existed. we were close. really close. and then he changed his mind and wanted more. i was floored. it was everything and more than i could have wanted. i had no idea he had felt like this for so long. i felt like life was finally falling into place. love was most definitely in the air. i was no longer holding out hope, i was living its reality! and then he changed his mind again but this time, it was not so good. he wanted out. he got scared. he didn't know why he said all those things. i felt trapped. i couldn't breathe. here was this guy that i have loved. we have been through real life together, i mean hard things and beautiful things. he was my best friend. and here he was breaking my heart in front of me, tearing it to shreds with his words and yet, as if to try and put salve on an open wound, was asking me to remain his friend because he values me so much and can't imagine life without me. the salve may as well have been salt. i said to him my favorite quote, "i can't put my heart back in a box that was too small for it to begin with." and with that, i severed all ties. i lost my best friend, my (what i thought at the time) chance at love, my social circle, my idealism...but it was after having my insides ripped out and everything i held onto for life die off that i was forced to realize another way to live. i had to recreate myself and am now reaping the benefits of that reconstruction. never would i wish the pain i had felt on anyone, but for me, it was a new beginning...and i'm actually grateful, because i know now what i don't want and sometimes that's half the battle...
this one is by far, my most favorite. which is good, because it contains my most favorite quote as well...
it has to do with a guy...we had been friends, i wanted more, he didn't, we existed. we were close. really close. and then he changed his mind and wanted more. i was floored. it was everything and more than i could have wanted. i had no idea he had felt like this for so long. i felt like life was finally falling into place. love was most definitely in the air. i was no longer holding out hope, i was living its reality! and then he changed his mind again but this time, it was not so good. he wanted out. he got scared. he didn't know why he said all those things. i felt trapped. i couldn't breathe. here was this guy that i have loved. we have been through real life together, i mean hard things and beautiful things. he was my best friend. and here he was breaking my heart in front of me, tearing it to shreds with his words and yet, as if to try and put salve on an open wound, was asking me to remain his friend because he values me so much and can't imagine life without me. the salve may as well have been salt. i said to him my favorite quote, "i can't put my heart back in a box that was too small for it to begin with." and with that, i severed all ties. i lost my best friend, my (what i thought at the time) chance at love, my social circle, my idealism...but it was after having my insides ripped out and everything i held onto for life die off that i was forced to realize another way to live. i had to recreate myself and am now reaping the benefits of that reconstruction. never would i wish the pain i had felt on anyone, but for me, it was a new beginning...and i'm actually grateful, because i know now what i don't want and sometimes that's half the battle...
20080612
answers
why are they so important on a day-to-day basis? and why does it seem so hard for some people to give them?
i learned many moons ago that i'm not always going to get what i want or what i ask for, but i've also learned that many times, all i'm asking for is just an answer. it doesn't have to be good or bad or in between...just stand up and answer the question asked.
i'm really okay either way the chips may fall, but your silence is deafening...
i learned many moons ago that i'm not always going to get what i want or what i ask for, but i've also learned that many times, all i'm asking for is just an answer. it doesn't have to be good or bad or in between...just stand up and answer the question asked.
i'm really okay either way the chips may fall, but your silence is deafening...
20080606
the letter unsent
so you say you want to live life running through the crashing waves, absorbing and experiencing all that life has to offer...why are you standing on the shore trying to dictate which wave should come first? i think that's part of the beauty in life...to be able to take each wave as it comes, whenever it does (which is most likely out of our preferred order) and experience it, revel in it, live it...
i'm not trying to make it sound like you're not living life...you just have this thing about trying to control the order of your life, and i hear such frustration in your voice when it doesn't happen the way or as soon as you want it, and it seems like you take these drastic measures in order to reconfigure because you think that somehow reorganizing your life will make it happen in your own time. and it seems like you take it as failure when it doesn't come about.
what if what you want right now isn't supposed to happen til you've walked through another door? and what if you're waiting to walking through that door til the first thing happens? you'll never get there if you don't start taking a few steps with what you already know...
i'm not trying to make it sound like you're not living life...you just have this thing about trying to control the order of your life, and i hear such frustration in your voice when it doesn't happen the way or as soon as you want it, and it seems like you take these drastic measures in order to reconfigure because you think that somehow reorganizing your life will make it happen in your own time. and it seems like you take it as failure when it doesn't come about.
what if what you want right now isn't supposed to happen til you've walked through another door? and what if you're waiting to walking through that door til the first thing happens? you'll never get there if you don't start taking a few steps with what you already know...
20080523
Life
Love has taught me to
Hope but not believe
Give and not receive.
Try but always fail
Treasure and never bail
On those brought into my life.
I don't understand,
Stopped trying to explain.
Wondering if you're real.
I see you in action;
From my heart to others.
I wonder if it's possible to love
Yet never be loved in return?
Hope but not believe
Give and not receive.
Try but always fail
Treasure and never bail
On those brought into my life.
I don't understand,
Stopped trying to explain.
Wondering if you're real.
I see you in action;
From my heart to others.
I wonder if it's possible to love
Yet never be loved in return?
20080508
the truth
So as an adult female, finding out that not all firemen are blazing hot is reminiscent of when I was a wee child and I found out there really wasn't a Santa Claus. Terrible disappointment, deep in my soul.
And for you men, when women have sleep overs, it's not all pillow fights in our undies.
Just so we're all on the same playing field of disillusionment...you're welcome for the blowing the lid off that...
:]
And for you men, when women have sleep overs, it's not all pillow fights in our undies.
Just so we're all on the same playing field of disillusionment...you're welcome for the blowing the lid off that...
:]
20080507
Meet & Greet = Crash & Burn
I think the two have never been more closely related than when you're single. Why is it that 'singleness' is looked at as a bad thing? Why am I looked down on by others when they find out I'm single? I think it's interesting to note since I have yet to find an answer.
When I meet that person, I have a feeling, a very strong feeling, that it will be more organic than a fix-up. It has to be, right? Or is that just the romantic in me? I don't know. I need to have something more in common with them than the fact that we are both single and we both know this one person who thinks we'd be perfect together. I have this idea that fate plays a role in who I end up with. And I'd like to think that 'fate' isn't a person. I'd like to think that at the right time, with the right person, when I am who I am supposed to be, it will happen and I tend to shy away from the idea that it can be orchestrated by humans with their stupid agendas. Besides the fact that I'm horrible on blind dates and can't stand the social pressure associated with dating, I generally despise being set up with someone- romantically or otherwise.
Since love is too much, too divine to be designed by humans, I refuse to believe that it can be set up, even by the most well-meaning person on earth. Plus, the most beautiful things in me and about me are the very things that are inherent to whom I was created to be, they are my essence and simply cannot be contrived. So how could love be any different?
When I meet that person, I have a feeling, a very strong feeling, that it will be more organic than a fix-up. It has to be, right? Or is that just the romantic in me? I don't know. I need to have something more in common with them than the fact that we are both single and we both know this one person who thinks we'd be perfect together. I have this idea that fate plays a role in who I end up with. And I'd like to think that 'fate' isn't a person. I'd like to think that at the right time, with the right person, when I am who I am supposed to be, it will happen and I tend to shy away from the idea that it can be orchestrated by humans with their stupid agendas. Besides the fact that I'm horrible on blind dates and can't stand the social pressure associated with dating, I generally despise being set up with someone- romantically or otherwise.
Since love is too much, too divine to be designed by humans, I refuse to believe that it can be set up, even by the most well-meaning person on earth. Plus, the most beautiful things in me and about me are the very things that are inherent to whom I was created to be, they are my essence and simply cannot be contrived. So how could love be any different?
20080428
PFD
My personal flotation device in this sea called life is summed up in one word: hope.
I hope against hope that things will turn out alright. I hope for the best but find myself often preparing for the worst. Is this how life is supposed to be- Staring at the silver lining but carrying an umbrella just in case it should rain?
I don't want any surprises to discourage my course or put out the desire in me to live. I don't want to be blindsided by misfortune. I want to feel prepared or at the very least, that I am capable of getting through whatever may come my way. But how are we supposed to roll with the punches when the punches knock the breath out of us?
How am I supposed to plan for a future with someone knowing they could wake up in 30 years, hate me and want out? How are we supposed to live in freedom when there is so much to be afraid of? Do we just go blindly through life, falling in whatever potholes happen to be in my path, losing whatever falls off or goes away?
I guess my question is: how are we to go through life, hoping for a good future, doing our best to get there with the realization that it could all be gone tomorrow?
Is hoping for the best really all that keeps us afloat when the storms come?
I hope against hope that things will turn out alright. I hope for the best but find myself often preparing for the worst. Is this how life is supposed to be- Staring at the silver lining but carrying an umbrella just in case it should rain?
I don't want any surprises to discourage my course or put out the desire in me to live. I don't want to be blindsided by misfortune. I want to feel prepared or at the very least, that I am capable of getting through whatever may come my way. But how are we supposed to roll with the punches when the punches knock the breath out of us?
How am I supposed to plan for a future with someone knowing they could wake up in 30 years, hate me and want out? How are we supposed to live in freedom when there is so much to be afraid of? Do we just go blindly through life, falling in whatever potholes happen to be in my path, losing whatever falls off or goes away?
I guess my question is: how are we to go through life, hoping for a good future, doing our best to get there with the realization that it could all be gone tomorrow?
Is hoping for the best really all that keeps us afloat when the storms come?
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