perfection

I don’t believe in perfection…even the smooth stone at the end of the river, the one that is perfect, shiny and makes all the other stones jealous was only smoothed because the rushing water pushed it down the river, both forcing it into and dislodging it from crevices and dragged it along the bottom. It’s smoothness is not because it was perfect at the beginning, the middle or even close to the end…it’s smooth because it was beat up along the way…and it’s smoothness at the end is its perfection completed. I have a feeling my life can be characterized like that. Not always in step with standards, sinful, full of grace, off-beat, love struck, stuck in ruts, forced out of my comfort zone…I can only hope that my God, the One Who created the river and the rock will smooth me to perfection. And I love that though the river and the path of the rock seem random at best, I know in my core, that my God is intentional. And even though I strike out on my own, I know that He has me. He loves me.

the line

Where do we draw it? How are we defined by it? How do we deal with it? How do we not judge people determined by which side of the line they are currently on? And finally, how long do they have to be on this side of the line before we stop judging them for previous behaviors that occurred on that side of the line?

God says that His mercies are new each day. That His grace and love are infinitely more than we can ask, know or even comprehend.

So is it possible to make a judgment about someone? Is it fair?

I know I can judge if someone is safe for me in different capacities and I feel responsible so as to not give myself away to people that aren’t worth it. But even saying that, I feel like I’m making a judgment that although has been made against me, I shouldn’t be making since I don’t know them and don’t know what God is doing in them. I can understand character problems creating issues, and I can understand seeing a pattern in someone that is destructive.

But in the end, does it really even matter? We are all fallen, so shouldn't we all be untrustworthy? Are any of us worth investing in (by human standards)? So do we write off everyone and hide in our little life or do we accept everyone- dangerous or docile- and just live the way we know how?

I mean honestly, what can man do to me...?

M.A.S.H.

It seems like life was so much easier when we were little. We never or at least very rarely had to question our choices and the subsequent consequences we had to deal with were minimal at best. Nowadays, it seems like I second-guess everything. Did I wear the right shirt? Is it too tight? Not tight enough? Should I wear short pants? Makeup? What about my hair? Should I dye it? Shave it? Straighten it? Grow it? While all of these questions may not relate to you, for me, trying to navigate the land of constant decision-making makes for a rough day. Should I call? Should I apply for this job? Is this love? Ah, and that’s when it hits me.

You see, when I was little, ‘love’ or what I thought I knew about it was simple enough to figure out in a little game called MASH.

*embarrassing confession*

My friend and I were playing it the other day and I smiled at how arbitrary and final those little hash marks seemed at the end of the game. Who needs a five-year plan when all you need is notebook paper, your top three choices for each category and hash marks? It’s like I could see my life plan unfolding and there was a happy little way to get somewhere splayed out in front of me; complete with the winners circled and the losers inevitably scratched out, so as not to make a mistake when counting. Now granted, it wasn’t my dream…to live in a shack with four great danes and a butler, but it’s what the hash marks predicted. And somehow in that instant, oddly enough, it was a great relief to finally feel like my life was headed some place and that in the end, that final destination was actually somewhere and it was somehow related to the choices I’ve made along the way. It was comforting to see that even though the dream wasn’t necessarily attained, that there was some kind of finality to it. It was comforting, even just for the second I let myself get caught up with the game, to know that where I'd end up wouldn't be where I currently am. Odd, I know.

I guess I just didn’t take the time to realize that life had become complicated, that people play for keeps- whether it’s another’s heart or simply their own, and the choices I make today may not have an affect on tomorrow. But they could quite possibly have an affect on next week. Or someone else's day, week, life. It's no longer a world of make believe. And I don't exist in a vacuum.

I don’t mean to say that I wish I could just live a life that is dictated- I certainly enjoy my freedom- but it just seems that a little direction, a little guidance towards the right way would really silence my questions. Or at least part of them. But then again, maybe it’s a faith exercise. You see? It's this constant barrage of options, questions and thoughts that exist within my skull and chest. They war each other daily and it's tiring.

Does it ever get easier? Do we ever reach a point where we just know that where we’re headed is the right place? Or is it my faith in God that the place I’ll end up is the right place and the path along the way is really a matter of faith, finding Him and Him showing me who I am along the way?

Is God a God of the end justifies the means?

freedom

Today is difficult for our generation…we are told we can be anything, do anything, go anywhere, outlive our parents, be different from everyone because we are unique; and it’s sad because most people will do all of those things. It seems like the one thing we aren’t encouraged to be is ourselves. It’s like we live in this schizophrenic/ADD world that has no clue where we are going because we are so caught up in becoming something that stands out. And oddly, what that ends up looking like ultimately is a society that looks alike, talks alike and yes, even dates and marries the same people. It’s sad.

In our endless search for what we think we want to be, we have lost sight of who we were created to be and Who we were created by and for. We are inundated with the message that we must be different, look different and act different…and well, we’ve missed that. We shop at the same stores- all looking for that original style…and most people will just leave their own self at home, because somehow we’ve learned that it isn’t good enough. So in order to measure up to arbitrary and asinine standards, that truly contradict themselves, we abandon the only Person who can even begin to tell us exactly who we are and we look to others who are just as flawed (and in competition with us) to shed some light on our worth. So we fight to become our own, we have labels, we are labeled…and comparing the two categories of labels ours and His…it’s astounding to see the difference.

Slut, happy, bitchy, immature, old, cranky, funny, boring, witty, pretty, ugly, stupid, dumb, ridiculous, insane, fat, skinny, anorexic, successful, failure, liar, goody-two-shoes, rebel, hellion, brown nose, suck up, sarcastic, mean, rude, unkind…we use these labels and more to try and sum up who we are, who we think others are, and what we think about our interactions with them. And truth be told, they change sometimes minute by minute. Some days we like each other and others, and in the next minute we could be at each other’s throats. So much judging goes on day to day. We judge so we don’t get judged. We judge harshly in order to keep the ones we perceive as a threat to stay away. We judge ourselves so when another judges us, there's no surprise.

But there is an alternative…here’s another list that I have come to cherish:

I am loved first, far above rubies, more than a conqueror, set apart, His, sought after, in His righteousness, rejoiced over with singing…

It goes on and on…these are just some of my favorites. And once I remember to bathe in the Truth, to remember Whose I am, the striving ceases. There is no competition, no fear of losing my status with Him, no wondering what He says about me when I walk out of the room or have a bad day, no fear of what may befall me because quite frankly, I am summed up by Him. He knows me. He says what I am. He has the right to condemn me, to throw stones, to hate me, to ignore me, to chastise me, to make fun of my imperfections, to leave me hanging, to make me feel inadequate…but He doesn’t. He loves me. It’s incredible, really. But He does. And it’s the safest I’ve ever been.

And so when I’m running around this world, trying to be different, but trying to be normal and I feel crazy, I try to remember that He is my audience. That other people’s opinions only matter if I put stock in them and that it is exhausting and ridiculous to continue to try and do things to please the people I really have no interest in, outside of gaining their approval!

for you, for me...for us all

In the land of familiar, there is only repetitive defeat; it’s the same lines, the same reality, leading to the same results every time. It’s not until we actually leave the familiar, the very things we thought made us who we are, that we find who we can become. It takes courage to leave what we know, to face what we think (and usually are convinced that) we are unable to conquer. But if we remain in what we know, for fear of failing at something we aren’t yet aware of, we willingly die a slow and painful death. We give up our dreams because who bothers to dream of things already known; we give up our hope for a life that is different than what we currently have. And once we lose our dreams and our hope, our heart is quickly and forever lost in the tears that blur our sight each day we spend looking out the window to the horizon, wondering what might have been had we only left what we knew.

Take courage. Leave the familiar. Adventure into the unknown.

It's worth it.

heaven

i love watching the gaither homecomings on tv. i picture heaven much like these- except no one is in the audience- we're all on stage, gathered around a piano that maybe God Himself plays, all singing in amazing harmony, songs that just boil up from our souls that praise Him and glorify Him...i love that.
there is something about music...and it's not solely Christian music, but music in general, that makes my heart swell and causes it to be swept up into the reality that there is so much more to life. it's why i'm moved to tears sometimes, am speechless at others, and still at others, become fiercely aware of emotions and words.
it's only happened once or twice where i swear it feels like the barrier between heaven and earth was removed and the angels of heaven joined in the singing. the volume was massive, the heart and soul were affected...it was beautiful. and this, this is what i imagine heaven to be like. the constant realization and entrance into a chorus of praise and glory to God...

giosue

it's not often that i sit and write about the people in my life- perhaps i should- i know i wrote about my cousin, but she is. . .well, she's one of those extravagantly real people that you can't help but wish you'd be able to accurately depict with such limiting words. i love her.
but this one, this post is about my brother. it was his birthday yesterday. and traditionally in our family, you get the most absurdly funny and borderline insulting birthday cards in order to elicit laughs when the cards are inevitably passed around the dinner table. but this year, i decided to get a nice card.
he and i are in a great place in our relationship. he got married in july and it was awesome. i was in the bridal party and it was so cool to see him promise his heart, love and life to his wife. beauty in action.
i mean, he's my big brother. i looked up to him when i was young, wanted to be his buddy, got in trouble with him. we had the best adventures together, built awesome forts together, watched movies, climbed trees, played football (i was joe montana and he was jerry rice- there was a rhyme), navigated the 'mississippi river', shot squirrels and other pesky animals. . .he was very much my hero, my 'north star', my plumb line for what and who i wanted to be.
it's fun to see him grow up and be comfortable in his manliness and do things with intention. it's very esteeming for me, as his baby sister, to see him make good choices, to see his strength, to see his gentleness and to see his courage.
and well, i didn't want to make a joke this year (for once). i wanted my words to matter. i chose them with the intention of encouraging him and letting him know that i'm glad he's my big brother. he's a man of few words, doesn't get caught up in emotion and for his 31st birthday, i wanted to bless him.
and despite the sacrifice of zero laughs (since he didn't pass it around the table), i'm glad i told him what i think of him. i meant those words and hopefully, he heard them.

<3

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -C.S. Lewis

Ah, the unloved life seems such a waste. I think I finally agree wholeheartedly- through trial, triumph, lessons, pain and joy- with the age-old adage, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
My heart is in everything I do and it is the lens through which I see everything. I don't know any other way to exist. And even if I could change it, I don't think I would. . .in spite of the tragedies that are bound to happen, the inevitable awkward situations and conversations, there is something so real, so beautiful, so alive and so pure about a heart that is open, vulnerable and honest.
God has given me my heart for a reason. . .and I know it's not meant for hiding. . .

The anticipation is palpable!

Idyllic?

Maybe the big difference between our generation and those before us is that we've all reached the age where we have these ingrained ideals and standards of what we think our mate should look, act, be and sound like. Maybe the former generations married before the ideals consumed their reality.

We have ideals thrown at us- of what we should look like, of how we should feel about those around us, of what our significant other should look like. . .and on and on it goes. It seems like a never-ending death, really. I can no longer believe that standards- of the caliber that the other has to be this or that or all of the above (and I'm not talking core things)- are beneficial.

I've heard time and again from my guy friends how they wanted to explain to some girl they are interested in, just how much they've grown. Inevitably, they poke the girl in an often-sore spot and the conversation usually goes south. He ends up saying, "I used to have these standards and now they seem so meaningless. I used to think I wanted the girl that all my guy friends looked at, but not anymore. I used to want the trophy wife. . .You're no beauty queen and I'm no beauty king" or something along those lines. It's sad, really. He's doing nothing more than trying to explain how he overcame this hurdle of conquering what his mind and society has told him he should strive for and has finally come back to reality. What he doesn't see that he's doing is pretty much calling the girl fat, ugly and second rate since she didn't live up to his former ideal.

Talk about harsh.

Every girl- I think whether or not they admit it- wants to be told and even more, wants to know that someone truly believes they are unequivocally beautiful. Captivating, exhilarating, breath taking, natural. . .something. . .whatever the word they choose, it's a reflection of the core desire to be admired and noticed.

Regardless of shifting ideals, the conversation just doesn't need to be broached. Because, while most women are classy enough to never seem offended at this inadvertent insult, most guys never take the time to realize that our ideals have shifted too.

green eyes

i get embarrassed easily.
i go and read other people's blogs and their thoughts just blow my mind. not because they are necessarily profound or anything. . .just funny and witty and not consumed with the trivial things that apparently are what occupy my life. and then i get uncomfortable because i read their words and imagine their life to be so much better or at the very least drastically different than mine.
my blogs mainly consist of my rantings about injustice, my dreams, people, my heart, hope. . .nothing really funny or pleasant in it. . .just my quest and my life. . .all things trivial, meaningless in the end and devoid of humor. . .how drab.
genius, i am not. . .writing, i love. . .others, i envy

pity

happy birthday!!!

today is my cousin's 30th birthday! it's very exciting, indeed.
i wish i was there to celebrate with her. . .we'd probably go to carrabba's and drink their white sangria. . .
it's difficult to celebrate someone who matters so much when they live so far away. i wish i could just wrap her up in a hug and sit on her living room floor and laugh at the inane television and her beautiful daughter.
if we were sitting there now we'd be discussing my two newest tattoos and how long it's been since we've seen each other and how our families annoy the hell out of us and how we are so blessed that they do. and then i'd probably mention something about some guy somewhere, just because i do. . .and she would laugh at me and we would giggle.
you see, we have these great conversations. . .about life, love, God, disappointments, triumphs, mistakes, dreams, our past, our future, our family. . .and it's those types of conversations that make me really thankful to have someone in my life that knows me like that. someone who has known me since i was a wee bitty baby. . .who convinced me we were cool if we put her initials in sunscreen on our backs and strutted down to the pier (i'm pretty sure i was the G). . .who was to my left on the raft when i caught that wave in my mouth and regurgitated the freshly consumed traditional lunch of pb & j with lemonade at mum's. . .who was in the pool when i completed my first back dive and thought i was pretty much qualifying for the olympics. . .who was there when those canadian guys taught us how to ask if we spoke french in french and nothing else. . .who did my rad eye makeup for me when i wanted to kick it up a bit in high school. . .who tried to convince me i would survive walking through the ginormous school of sting rays and who didn't leave me stranded on the sandbar even though i was making a wretched, blithering fool of myself. . .who watched lady & the tramp and that other movie that i can't find the name of EVERY day of every summer of our childhood & adolescence. . .whose laugh is forever etched in my head. . .and you see, it's that type of history- & so much more- that encourages me on the dreary days when i'm convinced no one would miss me should i disappear. . .
and when i miss her really badly, if i close my eyes and listen hard enough i can see her face light up and her laugh hits my ears. . .and then i smile.
i love you, rachel. i miss you.
happy birthday.

me thinks too much

i always thought i'd marry young. . .not that my present age is old, but i think i remember believing i would be married by now. . .don't get me wrong- i'm not disappointed at my current singleness- i'm appreciating it.
in part, i think because i saw marriage as the end all- as that place, that reward, for those people. . .all those people who are enough. . .pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough. . .i saw it as this high place, reserved only for those fortunate enough to be found and chosen.
also, i think i was afraid. afraid of my 'otherness'- or at least unaware of its existence. it's a scary thought when unfamiliar with yourself, your dreams (outside of being discovered), your fears, your successes- future and past. . .it's a frightening thing when the blinders are taken off for the first time and you realize that you had such a limited view of your reality. and it sometimes can be a scary thing to think of going it alone in this world.
this journey of mine, this perpetual search for my otherness, so i am able and ready to contribute to a healthy relationship, has taken many twists and turns, has come to a screeching halt, and has also & most importantly taken me blissfully down this road of life- happy for the adventure, hopeful for my other and always thankful for God's grace.
i'm becoming more my own each day. . .no longer quick to judge, more comfortable with what i believe, what i am willing to give up, with the power of my choices, the sound of my voice and laugh, the direction i'm heading, who i am serving, who i have left behind, who has left me behind, and who i am becoming. comfortable to make mistakes and take the time to learn from them because they're mine. there is risk and adventure to be had in forging our own way, choosing our interests, beliefs, pursuits and living our credo. not independent of God. . .but independent of the familiar- of what we grew up with, truly look at ourselves, take responsibility for who we are and move on from that point. . .
i am learning to be content. . .to have a deepened understanding that i am who i am. i am changing, being changed, unlike anyone else and therefore at a different place than anyone else. it's comforting to know that i won't leave this place unchanged. . .
i'm at a peaceful place. . .learning my worth is not determined by what others say or what i do- but by God's decree. my security is because of and in Him alone. i'm coming to terms with the departure of my past, throwing off my old self, assuming a new position in life and arriving at a state of grace.
grace for others. . .and for me.

profound

so this thought occurred to me and it rocked my world. . .
i like to help people. i like to help people i don't particularly like. and i don't know why, but i do. so i offered my assistance to this person i enjoy. and well, he took it because he needed help. almost immediately after the deed was done, i became particularly cynical regarding my assistance, because i find that i have a tendency to offer too much in order, i guess, to make myself indispensable and attractive to others. well, i became cynical because i figured this frelationship would end just like the others. . .and i got kind of bitter, saying to myself, "people only want what i can offer and are not very interested in who i am. they ask for what i can do for them and don't ask for my heart- which is really what i'm trying to market" and it was about that time that God interceded and kindly pointed out, that's what i do to Him.
ouch. but a sweet ouch.
i want to change. i don't want to be solely interested in what God offers me- life, grace, freedom, love, mercy, peace, joy, strength. . .- but i want Him. His heart, His vision, His purpose for me. . .i want Him.