My personal flotation device in this sea called life is summed up in one word: hope.
I hope against hope that things will turn out alright. I hope for the best but find myself often preparing for the worst. Is this how life is supposed to be- Staring at the silver lining but carrying an umbrella just in case it should rain?
I don't want any surprises to discourage my course or put out the desire in me to live. I don't want to be blindsided by misfortune. I want to feel prepared or at the very least, that I am capable of getting through whatever may come my way. But how are we supposed to roll with the punches when the punches knock the breath out of us?
How am I supposed to plan for a future with someone knowing they could wake up in 30 years, hate me and want out? How are we supposed to live in freedom when there is so much to be afraid of? Do we just go blindly through life, falling in whatever potholes happen to be in my path, losing whatever falls off or goes away?
I guess my question is: how are we to go through life, hoping for a good future, doing our best to get there with the realization that it could all be gone tomorrow?
Is hoping for the best really all that keeps us afloat when the storms come?
20080428
20080413
Proud & Alone
When it comes to my situation, I have these two tendencies grating together and they happen to be grating on my last nerve.
One is the tendency to dream and hope for something, get an idea about what it should look like and become disillusioned when things inevitably go to pot. The other is simply to take things as they come- open hands, open heart.
And it's when these two collide that I find myself confused and a little bewildered. I feel like I have the right to expect and get more than what I'm getting, but then wonder why I can't just be content with the way things are.
So which is the right answer?
Oddly, I feel the same contradictory emotions either route I take- the first tendency, I feel proud because I stood up for myself and my needs but alone because no one rose to the occasion. And with the second, I feel proud because I just 'go with the flow' and alone because it doesn't even come close to what I've wanted for myself.
So, tell me, which do I do? And how can I be happy with my decision once it's made?
Well, I figured it out-
I'd rather stand up for myself and deal with being by myself than be with someone and be unfulfilled. That wasn't so hard after all! Ha! :]
One is the tendency to dream and hope for something, get an idea about what it should look like and become disillusioned when things inevitably go to pot. The other is simply to take things as they come- open hands, open heart.
And it's when these two collide that I find myself confused and a little bewildered. I feel like I have the right to expect and get more than what I'm getting, but then wonder why I can't just be content with the way things are.
So which is the right answer?
Oddly, I feel the same contradictory emotions either route I take- the first tendency, I feel proud because I stood up for myself and my needs but alone because no one rose to the occasion. And with the second, I feel proud because I just 'go with the flow' and alone because it doesn't even come close to what I've wanted for myself.
So, tell me, which do I do? And how can I be happy with my decision once it's made?
Well, I figured it out-
I'd rather stand up for myself and deal with being by myself than be with someone and be unfulfilled. That wasn't so hard after all! Ha! :]
20080408
20080324
haunted
i hate how the creative engine can so quickly turn into your worst enemy when things don't go as hoped for...
the thoughts haunt, plague and yes, even perpetuate the sheer terror of your worst nightmares when all it would take is a voice, one simple voice that would silence the taunting...
is that too hard to ask?
the thoughts haunt, plague and yes, even perpetuate the sheer terror of your worst nightmares when all it would take is a voice, one simple voice that would silence the taunting...
is that too hard to ask?
20080321
so wrong
have you ever typed something and after it was finished, it just looked and sounded stupid, so you watch the blinking line travel to the left as you hold down the backspace button...wondering the whole time what went wrong because you swear it sounded so much better in your head...yeah, that's what happened here and this is all you get....
20080318
bah bah bah
I normally kid around with people and tell them that I'm the 'black sheep' of the family. I'm the one who rebels in thought, behavior, personality, language, tastes, and what I consider socially acceptable and beautiful. I push the limits, what can I say? While these things remain to be true, which I tend to attribute to my bohemian outlook on life, I've come to the conclusion that we are all 'black sheep' in life.
I'll say it again: we are all black sheep. Wanting so much to be without blemishes and all too often over-looking our blemishes, discounting them, and hiding them, we pretend to be something we aren't all in hopes of pleasing others, so we seem 'normal' and unstained. It's horribly ironic- each one of us is blemished and everyone knows what it's like to pretend we aren't blemished. Each one of us can remember a time when we felt like all we were doing was hiding who we were from those around us. What a fearful way to live, always suspicious and wondering if today was the day that the others will find out how truly different I am and how horrible those differences are.
So I find comfort now, knowing that even as I (albeit rarely) find myself trying to blend in and fly below the radar, that we as humans are nothing more and nothing less than the proverbial black sheep, the odd ones out.
We are all blemished, we are all trying to blend in, we are all standing out, on our own, hoping that someone will appreciate us for our blackness, our differences, if for nothing more. This hulking monstrosity of a burden is suddenly lightened by the realization that I'm not alone and in life we are all blemished and bleating, praying we don't stand out.
I'll say it again: we are all black sheep. Wanting so much to be without blemishes and all too often over-looking our blemishes, discounting them, and hiding them, we pretend to be something we aren't all in hopes of pleasing others, so we seem 'normal' and unstained. It's horribly ironic- each one of us is blemished and everyone knows what it's like to pretend we aren't blemished. Each one of us can remember a time when we felt like all we were doing was hiding who we were from those around us. What a fearful way to live, always suspicious and wondering if today was the day that the others will find out how truly different I am and how horrible those differences are.
So I find comfort now, knowing that even as I (albeit rarely) find myself trying to blend in and fly below the radar, that we as humans are nothing more and nothing less than the proverbial black sheep, the odd ones out.
We are all blemished, we are all trying to blend in, we are all standing out, on our own, hoping that someone will appreciate us for our blackness, our differences, if for nothing more. This hulking monstrosity of a burden is suddenly lightened by the realization that I'm not alone and in life we are all blemished and bleating, praying we don't stand out.
20080317
intrigue, maybe
5 things about me I want you to know:
- If I’m up at 330am, I love watching reruns of ‘Mad About You’. They make me want to marry my best friend even more than I already want to.
- I can handle, and in fact love watching surgeries and births, but touching raw meat makes me want to vomit.
- Completing the Ironman is one of my life goals.
- I want to build my own house.
- I’m writing a book.
This list was originally 10 things long, but I wanted to keep an air of mystery about myself, so I cut it down to 5…yeah, that’s right. That just happened.
20080315
LOL
Humor is one of those awesome things that I'm convinced people need more of in their life. Without humor, life is rendered useless. I'm blessed to have many people in my life who make me laugh, truly laugh...you know, make your face hurt from smiling so much, sides ache, gasping for breath kind of laughter.
The funny thing is, especially for someone such as myself who thoroughly enjoys being understood, if you explain a joke it's ruined. I think it's the best way to be unfunny...just break it down for your audience and all of a sudden, it's no longer funny. I mean it may be ironic, but no longer LOL funny. Love it.
Moral is: laugh. Just laugh. You'll feel better, your friend who told the story/joke will feel fulfilled and your overall health will improve the more often you laugh. Plus, much like learning a language, your aptitude for understanding jokes and the humor in life will increase the more you practice laughing.
So start today and by the end of the week, you'll be laughing your ass off.
The funny thing is, especially for someone such as myself who thoroughly enjoys being understood, if you explain a joke it's ruined. I think it's the best way to be unfunny...just break it down for your audience and all of a sudden, it's no longer funny. I mean it may be ironic, but no longer LOL funny. Love it.
Moral is: laugh. Just laugh. You'll feel better, your friend who told the story/joke will feel fulfilled and your overall health will improve the more often you laugh. Plus, much like learning a language, your aptitude for understanding jokes and the humor in life will increase the more you practice laughing.
So start today and by the end of the week, you'll be laughing your ass off.
20080311
My Beauty is...Me
It's the tears in my eyes
With a smile on my lips,
The sound of my voice
The feel of my kiss.
It's the curl of my hair
The fire in my eyes
The laugh in my voice
The want to be wise.
It's the grace in my hands
The drive in my step
The touch of my skin
The lack of regret.
It's the strength of my will
The words on my lips
The joy in my smile
The sway in my hips.
It's in my scars,
Is seen through my tears
It's in my successes
And even my fears.
It's the beat of my heart
The strength of my back
The shape of my chest
And all that I lack.
It's the peace in my soul
The power of conviction
My hope and my dreams
My love is in action.
My beauty is hidden in plain sight for all to see. If for nothing more than my ability to appreciate beauty that is found in the day-to-day things...the shape of a bowl, the shadow through a window, a child laughing, a couple embracing, the joy of friends, the heartache of loss, the shape of a tree, the power in the wind...it is in me and in these things that beauty is common but uncommonly recognized.
My beauty has always been more hidden than I would ever have wanted. It takes a trained eye and patience to find...but it takes the diligence of a good heart to hold onto it when it's found. It's fleeting and shy, unknown and hidden in the common.
I am a daisy in the field of wildflowers, beautiful for its simplicity and rawness...
content to just be.
With a smile on my lips,
The sound of my voice
The feel of my kiss.
It's the curl of my hair
The fire in my eyes
The laugh in my voice
The want to be wise.
It's the grace in my hands
The drive in my step
The touch of my skin
The lack of regret.
It's the strength of my will
The words on my lips
The joy in my smile
The sway in my hips.
It's in my scars,
Is seen through my tears
It's in my successes
And even my fears.
It's the beat of my heart
The strength of my back
The shape of my chest
And all that I lack.
It's the peace in my soul
The power of conviction
My hope and my dreams
My love is in action.
My beauty is hidden in plain sight for all to see. If for nothing more than my ability to appreciate beauty that is found in the day-to-day things...the shape of a bowl, the shadow through a window, a child laughing, a couple embracing, the joy of friends, the heartache of loss, the shape of a tree, the power in the wind...it is in me and in these things that beauty is common but uncommonly recognized.
My beauty has always been more hidden than I would ever have wanted. It takes a trained eye and patience to find...but it takes the diligence of a good heart to hold onto it when it's found. It's fleeting and shy, unknown and hidden in the common.
I am a daisy in the field of wildflowers, beautiful for its simplicity and rawness...
content to just be.
20080309
meaning...?
Ever say a word so many times it doesn't even sound like the word you meant to say? It just turns to mush in your mouth and although you know you mean to say it, you begin to doubt even yourself. Well, anyhow, I was having a conversation the other night over coffee with this guy, we'll call him the singing plantain...about meaning and he believes that life experiences only have meaning if we give it meaning. I begged to differ and the conversation that ensued after finding out we disagreed involved the over-use of the word 'meaning'...and well, it was pretty soon that the word lost it's meaning and didn't even sound real anymore.
I guess it was a new twist on the old adage- "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make any noise?" We both agreed that yes, it would. He then pointed out that it would mean different things to different people- the capitalist would see it as a gain, the environmentalist would grieve it, the naturalist would see it as a natural occurrence and on and on...my question is then, does it matter? The fact that an event happens should show that it's significant, right?
My personal opinion is that meaning isn't measured by the reaction or emotion it evokes from us, I think the meaning can be seen simply because we acknowledge the event. The recognition of something already bestows significance; the emotion it evokes, if any, is the icing.
I guess it was a new twist on the old adage- "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make any noise?" We both agreed that yes, it would. He then pointed out that it would mean different things to different people- the capitalist would see it as a gain, the environmentalist would grieve it, the naturalist would see it as a natural occurrence and on and on...my question is then, does it matter? The fact that an event happens should show that it's significant, right?
My personal opinion is that meaning isn't measured by the reaction or emotion it evokes from us, I think the meaning can be seen simply because we acknowledge the event. The recognition of something already bestows significance; the emotion it evokes, if any, is the icing.
20080307
blitz!
Sorry for the blog blitz...these thoughts have been in my head for too long already and I just knew that if I didn't get them out and down on the keys, I'd get backed up again...I hate that mentally constipated feeling that comes when you don't empty the thoughts that run loops in your brain...trivial or monumental- it's just the same.
It's clearing my brain, getting rid of the endless and at times compulsive thoughts and questions that bounce around in my head...I'm looking forward to the day when my brain is completely empty. :]
It's clearing my brain, getting rid of the endless and at times compulsive thoughts and questions that bounce around in my head...I'm looking forward to the day when my brain is completely empty. :]
about me...
I've decided to test my emotional intelligence...trying to figure out what it is that people see me as...this is what I've come up with so far...
I am: stubbornly yielding, emotionally even-keeled and passionate, generous to a fault, a false extrovert, a grammarian, confidently insecure, courageous, adventurous, a risk-taker, witty but often the only one laughing, selfish but empathetic and compassionate, a wide-awake dreamer, an old soul with a youthful heart, a hopeful romantic tinged with cynicism, misunderstood, easily overlooked and hard to remember but unforgettable, spontaneous but also a planner, a lyricist who doesn't know what to say, far above rubies (sorry if your name is Ruby, not talking about you), inviting, creative, ADD plagued with CFS, kindhearted, lovely, fabulous, real and unknown.
Basically, I'm a living contradiction...does everyone have these two opposing sides to them?
I am: stubbornly yielding, emotionally even-keeled and passionate, generous to a fault, a false extrovert, a grammarian, confidently insecure, courageous, adventurous, a risk-taker, witty but often the only one laughing, selfish but empathetic and compassionate, a wide-awake dreamer, an old soul with a youthful heart, a hopeful romantic tinged with cynicism, misunderstood, easily overlooked and hard to remember but unforgettable, spontaneous but also a planner, a lyricist who doesn't know what to say, far above rubies (sorry if your name is Ruby, not talking about you), inviting, creative, ADD plagued with CFS, kindhearted, lovely, fabulous, real and unknown.
Basically, I'm a living contradiction...does everyone have these two opposing sides to them?
admission
I'm a list maker. I love lists. Even if I don't accomplish everything on them, for some unknown reason, I love to make lists. I make lists about making lists. I rewrite lists, organize them, put them in the sequence of which they should be completed and carry them around. I have security with my lists. It's like "the list" has this power of making things happen...I mean, if it's not on the list, it won't happen! (well, in my case even if it does make the list, there is a high chance it might get transferred to another list because it didn't get accomplished...)
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