my recent trip. . .

i recently took a trip. . .and not in a metaphorical or nostalgic kind of way. . .but an actual trip. it was marvelous. i went with a new friend to the little town of Seward. we left a couple days after my big brothers wedding. . .the weather on the drive down was as spectacular as the conversation and company. . .
it was glorious. . .and a much needed time of respite and discovery. . .muah

fear pains

is it the fear of failure that keeps us from pursuing our dreams or is it the fear of dreaming itself?
i look at me, so full of hope, idealistic, happy and a dreamer. . .i've always dreamed. . .i make it a practice to dream on a regular basis so i don't lose the ability to dream. i pursue different things, but it's the most important, those that make my knees weak and head swim that i leave on the shelf. why is that?
love & writing
i love. i like everyone until they give me a reason not to. i love people before i should. i love in spite of not being loved in return. there is something in me that loves to love. i love beauty, color, rain, tears, joy, peace, kindness, old people, young people, babies, my family, myself, my past, tattoos, blemishes, scars, stories. i fight pain with love. i fight with love. i try and use my words for love. . .but usually i fall short. i love despite being hurt. maybe i love because i think i can conjure its existence into my life? i don't know.
i write. i've been told that i have talent when it comes to writing. . .personally, i think those who say that just don't read as often as they should. . .and i think this dreaming started when i was a kid and my grandmother would send me national geographic- she was always broadening my horizons and filling my head with ideas about far and away places that beckoned me to dream of places and images i have yet to see. inevitably i would stare at the pictures, mark the pages and revisit them often.
something was stirred back then that i still nourish and treasure. i love to write, this is true. it's cathartic for me. . .but it's also terrifying. there is something so vulnerable about putting words on paper, something so permanent about writing that i get lost sometimes. my emotions undoubtedly spill into my words; objective writing was never my strong suit.
i look at others my age, so sure of themselves and what they are to do in life. . .and for the most part, i know that nursing is for me. i love it. i have a propensity for nourishing people and i enjoy pouring into others' lives. and practically speaking. . .it's the best option. it makes my heart happy to help people and i know that i can support myself for as long as i'm alive working as a nurse.
but in my dreams. . .in those dreams that are so big and daring and frightful that you only dare to take them off the shelf for an instant. . .those dreams that you can't stand to stare directly in the face for fear of being overwhelmed with desire. . .i write.

random observations

it's almost one and sleep has still not overtaken me. . .i've been musing over a few things here and there that really have nothing more to do with each other than their origin and the pen with which they were written. ~~~ There is a major component of trust in love. . .for it is where those two intersect that you are finally free to be who you thought you never could be around anyone else. . .yourself. ~~~ My heart can only speak of what it knows- silence, hurt, fear, you, restraint. . .but when it dreams, oh my dreams. . .it's no longer hindered; hope takes over and the love I imagine is transcendent. ~~~ At what point does age beget maturity? Why is it when an older person, say my grandmother, acts younger than she is, it's deemed a good thing but when a moderately aged person acts younger, it's immaturity? Why is being youthful in one context positive and the other negative? ~~~ Relationships are a tricky thing. . .they involve two of the most fluid things in existence: people and life. And even though this 'fluid' notion grates against my ever-dwindling idealistic tendencies. . .there's a peace in there as well. Something about knowing that tomorrow everything could change makes me excited!