Shedding

After what seems like a lifetime of living in the dark shadow of "not-knowing", you wake up and lift your head. And wiping the muck of idealism from your face you realize there ARE shades of grey. That no one is going to come along and make another 'play nice.' You learn that you are responsible for your happiness and discover that you can be content with meager possessions.
You understand that just because you love someone doesn't mean they'll ever love you back. What other people think of you doesn't matter nearly as much as what you believe about yourself. And you accept there will always be those asses in your life and you can do nothing to change them. You stop wasting your breath on meaningless conversation and you stop wasting your heart on empty love. You learn that boundaries aren't forts and the difference between the protection and isolation of yourself. You find what you're willing to compromise on and maintain yourself. Love doesn't mean control but is actually a big risk that requires massive sacrifice. You finally realize that if someone is mean to you, it really has nothing to do with you, but rather a reflection of the simple fact they can't stand themselves. You grow and realize you are happy and loved. That reading really is enriching. That each day really does matter because you learn something everyday. Nothing will be even close to complete or satisfactory in this life. Religion is the establishment that breaks God's heart. We really are all the same. It occurs to you that those days when you're waiting for 'life to begin' really IS your life- so deal with it. That it's the lulls in between the spikes that makes the spikes so exhilarating. When the day is done you really have no one to answer to other than yourself and God. You shape your own worldview and determine what is important to you and you alone. That planning for the future doesn't keep you from living in the moment. You see that everyone has baggage and everyone thinks theirs is the worst. You find that you aren't the only jaded person who can be cynical and then strangely optimistic. And you learn that flaws are really nothing more than beauty marks because although you can't change what has shaped you, you can change what it has shaped you into.

Just Breathe

You ever get sick of hearing yourself talk and your thoughts run around your head? I think the only thing that makes the nausea worse is by writing the thoughts down, for some reason they seem permanent; they've been written and now they're established and visible by many. In reality, my life, love and thoughts are fluid. They are constantly changing- I can go around and around on an issue only to find myself back where I started. Writing is cathartic, that's for sure. But in a way it's impairing as well- yes, I get frustrated, and then I bounce back. I wake up to find my life isn't what I thought I would be like and so I vent. But then, life evens out, things are okay and the drama I was so literally consumed by has passed and I realize life is good.
Life is good.