happy old year

Despite the fact that I'm merely 340 days behind my running daily New Years resolution from 07 for 08, I think I've figured out why the end of the year remains such a satisfying and anticipatory time for me...I get such a sense of accomplishment in surviving another year and living as best as I knew and learning so so much...another year is done...time never stops...

I never knew this to be more true than one day at work, I had just finished my shift and one of my residents passed. It was a complete shock...from left field entirely. I was heartbroken for her because we were finally making progress...and when I went into her room to say goodbye, I fought the tears back and avoided eye contact with my co-workers that were gathering to pay their respects...and as I stood at the foot of her bed, completely dumbfounded, I saw the secondhand keep trudging along in its well worn path around the face of her wristwatch. And in that split second, I was shocked and devastated. Somewhere in me there was a cry begging for time to stand still and I felt there was a crude injustice being done by the ticking of the secondhand; as if time should pause, even just for a second to pay respect to this woman, or at the very least, her own watch should know to stop when she was gone.
I'm sure you've heard the quote..."everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives"...and I can tell you, I walked out of her room that day and everyday since when one of my residents passes, appreciative of life, thankful for time and with this sense of responsibility to myself, my future and my legacy to live. To live life and take notice of the seconds. To pay attention to the pain that is created and washed away, the lives that are lost and the people that leave.

So as another year closes and another greets us with shining hope and unforeseen troubles, I am thankful for my life, for every second that has gotten me here and for every second that I will get to live in this next one...

lesson learned in 08

I realized recently that “roots” for me doesn’t necessarily mean a place anymore. It’s having a history and being able to live life with someone- these are my roots and the home for my dreams. I feel like I’m turning into a banyan tree instead of an oak…my roots grow horizontally; connecting me to the life around me, keeping me attached to the life I helped shape. And even though my roots don’t run quite as deep as others, they’re just as strong and just as beautiful.
Knowing this frees me to pursue living, buying a house, settling down…whatever the case, I’m able to do it because I know the attachment isn’t to a city or a house or stuff, it’s to the person with whom I share life.

I’m learning a lot lately.
And I like it.

judge or not to judge

when i reflect on my life and different situations, often i find that i'm waiting to be judged.
judged on what, you may ask?

judged for my heart, ideas, body shape, weight, IQ, past, future, choices, taste, dreams...who knows. but i find that i am waiting for judgment from people and what's more is that sometimes i actually care. sometimes i want to know what people think of me and why.
and i don't think it's searching for an injury, despite the inevitable bracing that occurs and the gnawing pit of anxiety that my stomach turns into...
maybe it's just part of being human. i think everyone, at some level, in spite of being confident and secure, everyone waits for that nod of acceptance from someone, the look of approval...something i guess that shows we're accepted, that we're there, that someone somehow has reached through their own pain and touched us...it's validating to be seen, to be accepted, included...
so despite knowing my worth in God's eyes and that i do have significance...there still arises the occasion where i want to know just on a human level, what people think of me...is that so wrong?

argh

i am a procrastinator. it's true. there is just no denying it.
i've always been good under pressure. it's how i operate, how i think best, how i negotiate best...is when i am up against the wall...time is running out...emotions have no place, it's just me and my wits outsmarting my opponent...


and yet, how smart can i really be when i continue to wait to the last minute to educate myself? if it was something that could be learned in an hour, i'm sure the class wouldn't be several months long, right?

lol

crappy mccrap crap

sometimes i find that i consider what others think of me more than what i think of myself.
as if somehow their treatment of me becomes the lens through which i see myself accurately.
as though my worth can be affected by them.
how preposterous.

but still, it happens.
and still, i hate it.