I've finally found a tattoo artist that is incredible. I sat for 3 hours the other night and he fixed the crappy tattoos that I've hated for the past few years. I will never again get ink from anyone else.
So happy.
In ironic news, apparently 'cutting and running' is a common theme for TV shows too...here's my favorite quote from this weeks shows that I watch...
"You do not get to just cut and run just because you're afraid of not knowing what comes next...It is not okay to just walk away and pretend like it doesn't matter! I mean to have something incredible and not even see what is right in front of your face...so what, everybody has issues. You need to be there for them, love them, grow up and be a man! You need to not hurt the woman who loves you."
...so there's my injury speaking. It's getting quieter and quieter though...give it time...
20090223
20090218
blame it on the rain...
Is it weird that I don't think you're a bad person and almost feel bad for posting my thoughts on our relationship?
I don't know how the previous post makes you sound, but I truly don't think you're an ass. It wasn't written in anger or disgust; it was just the process my heart took to realize the lesson I had just been through.
Looking back on it, I realize that when you were the guy who treated me like his princess; the romantic and kinder version of you, I remember waiting for the other shoe to drop. I remember the flares of my cynicism being quelled by the constant outpouring of your intrigue, interest and concern for me. I remember marveling in wonderment at love and generally just being amazed and overwhelmed at the prospect that this was the real deal. And I remember being breathless...in such a blissful and perfect way.
So when your other side surfaced and I once again found myself in a relationship that was getting further away from 'healthy', I reverted to old ways of thinking. I went back to believing that it was how I deserved to be treated. I went back to thinking it was how relationships were supposed to be or how I was supposed to feel. And somehow I committed to it. Or I felt committed to it at least. And with that realization, it was a short-lived and quick downhill trip to misery.
And it was in that misery I looked at the relationship for what it had become...or maybe what it had been all along, I don't know...but I finally realized you were still in love with her. As a side note, I don't hate you for choosing her over me. I truly don't. I just wish you had been honest. That frustrates me. I hate lip service.
The part of me that was made the fool wishes I wouldn't have ignored the signs, but the majority of me wonders if they're signs because of hindsight...
I don't know how the previous post makes you sound, but I truly don't think you're an ass. It wasn't written in anger or disgust; it was just the process my heart took to realize the lesson I had just been through.
Looking back on it, I realize that when you were the guy who treated me like his princess; the romantic and kinder version of you, I remember waiting for the other shoe to drop. I remember the flares of my cynicism being quelled by the constant outpouring of your intrigue, interest and concern for me. I remember marveling in wonderment at love and generally just being amazed and overwhelmed at the prospect that this was the real deal. And I remember being breathless...in such a blissful and perfect way.
So when your other side surfaced and I once again found myself in a relationship that was getting further away from 'healthy', I reverted to old ways of thinking. I went back to believing that it was how I deserved to be treated. I went back to thinking it was how relationships were supposed to be or how I was supposed to feel. And somehow I committed to it. Or I felt committed to it at least. And with that realization, it was a short-lived and quick downhill trip to misery.
And it was in that misery I looked at the relationship for what it had become...or maybe what it had been all along, I don't know...but I finally realized you were still in love with her. As a side note, I don't hate you for choosing her over me. I truly don't. I just wish you had been honest. That frustrates me. I hate lip service.
The part of me that was made the fool wishes I wouldn't have ignored the signs, but the majority of me wonders if they're signs because of hindsight...
20090211
ridiculous love...happy vday...
here's the explanation i'll give for what's been going on...it's a smattering of clips of entries i've been writing for awhile, it’s not in order, nor is it anywhere near polished and ready for the public, but then again, what about me ever is?
please enjoy, hate, er, something...just read it and let me know what you think...
What happened? You portrayed this tender, kind, honest person...afraid on our first date of putting yourself out there too much, someone who had hurt and been hurt, trustworthy, strong, sensitive, open, seeking life and living life. You were comfortable, you were happy, you were healthy...and then you changed. You went from attentive, loving and kind to calloused, detached and cold.
The first change came in November…I cut you some slack because you had mentioned the holidays were stressful for you and you were already stressed about work and I assumed some of the changes I was seeing could be attributed to that. You wanted to cool down, so we did. But then December came and you became less and less attached to me. In fact, you would do things intentionally to push me away or leave me out. And when called on it, you wouldn’t even acknowledge it. I didn’t understand what happened; how you had became this shell of the person I knew before. And then when things didn’t improve, I gave you what you had been acting like you wanted- I gave us a break. You needed time to think. You said I confused you even more and so a break would be good to give you some space. So you took the break and cut off all communication with me. You ignored me even more than before. You blamed it on being stressed and tired. Surprise. And then for the finale, I broke it off with you. And you didn’t even respond. Well, 2 days later you did with an apology of some sort.
Clearly I played into your hand. How could I be such a fool? You wanted me to break up with you so you would be able to chalk the relationship up to ‘she broke up with me’. I can just see it now…people ask why we’re not together and that’s all you’ll say. But oh how I wish you would be honest with them and tell them the whole story.
You aren’t choosing to be the man you started out to be…and I can see you right now saying, ‘well, this is how I am’…and that’s such BS because you are better than this. You are better than how you treated me. You are better than how you treat yourself or your family. You are smarter than you’ll ever admit. The legacy you’re writing, the way you live your life, the choices you make, how you treat yourself and others is not how your parents taught you to live. You are better and you know it. It’s just way easier to pretend you’re not so you can go on living in such a way where not even flies land on you.
What makes me feel crazy is that I know you’re better than this, you know you’re better than this and yet you refuse to show even the slightest decency to me, the smallest regard by acknowledging your complicity. It’s maddening to know that you’re incredible and that you’re refusing to be incredible. It’s as stupid to me as someone who knows how to swim and yet chooses not to, so they drown.
I think part of loving someone is giving them what they ask for and you kept asking me to leave, so I finally did. You had me believe that you were trying to work it out when you simply weren’t. I gave you chance after chance and even when you refused to show me the slightest bit of grace I still let things slide. If I treated you the way you treated me, you would have walked out a long time ago. You requested I give you more time and then you just walked out on me and don’t even care that you hurt me. You said you cared for me. You told me to dream. You invited me on an adventure and then you walked out.
I loved you the best I knew how. I pulled strength and dignity from reserves I didn’t even know existed so I could stand under the burdens you placed on me. I was willing to hold on because I knew that inside of you is a champion. I wanted honesty and to be loved and I was patient. I was there for you, mostly at the expense of myself...like when you would yell at me for my past relationships and judge me and make me feel like I’m second rate for things I did before I even knew you. I would sit there and take it because I thought you would work it out, I thought you needed time to deal. Or when you’d get drunk, call me names and say stupid shit but then try to laugh it off as if you didn’t mean it- I gave you the benefit of the doubt and let it go. The conversations we’d have when you painted me into your future, creating a future with us and our kids and the house...the whole nine yards. I wanted to have your babies and grow old with you. I would rather fight with you than not talk to you. I didn’t make fun of you and was extremely careful to protect you. And even in my hurt and pain, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to be a burden or cause you pain. And sometimes it seemed like you wanted to injure me just for sport, just to ‘spice things up’ or incite me to a point where I’d fight with you and prove that I was like all the others before me.
So, if someone asks why it is that we ended, tell them it ended because you wanted it to and you took every chance you could to break me down, hurt me, use me, lie to me and break me. You took every cheap shot and low blow repeatedly to wear me down and that finally you reached success. You finally found the button to make me walk away, even though you could never find the button to make me fight with you. You finally poured enough salt in the wound that is currently my heart. You finally caused enough pain in my life where staying where I was would mean death to all things good and priceless in me. You finally made me question my worth and beauty enough to make me cry because you refused to answer questions. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be, but I tried my hardest and was honest. I was warm when you were cold. I believed you when you asked me to, I tried to not ask questions when you asked me not to, I supported you when you needed it, I helped you when you needed it and I offered help even if you didn’t need it, just because I wanted you to know that you weren’t alone. Despite my efforts to make you happy, to make you feel loved, to make you feel honored, special and on top of the world, you refused to accept them and instead pissed all over them. And so, until you choose to change, until you choose to be healthy and until you choose to pull your head out of your own ass, you will continue to poison yourself, hurt everyone in your life and continue to dwell in places of pain and injury. That is, until YOU choose to change, you will only perpetuate the pain you’re choosing to hold onto.
I am unlike any other woman you’ll ever know. Don’t even try to compare me to your past. And someday when you are in my recently held position, wanting so much for the other person to hold onto you the way you’re holding on to them, my prayer is that they will treat you with infinitely more grace, love and deference than you have ever shown me.
I can’t believe I spent all that energy and time trying to convince you of your worth when you spent just as much time and considerably more effort trying to show me how much I wasn’t worth. I deserve better and now I know better. I deserve a guy that tries to make it work and wants to make it work with me. I deserve that guy that thought I was his dream girl and was captivated by me and breathless when he would look at me and talk to me. I am that girl, I am phenomenal and worth the risk. I am so much more than what you tried to reduce me to.
I’m done pretending. And I’m most certainly done waiting for that awesome person to come back. I’m tired of waiting for you to decide what you want. But mostly, I’m just done with it all and I've left the confusion behind.
please enjoy, hate, er, something...just read it and let me know what you think...
What happened? You portrayed this tender, kind, honest person...afraid on our first date of putting yourself out there too much, someone who had hurt and been hurt, trustworthy, strong, sensitive, open, seeking life and living life. You were comfortable, you were happy, you were healthy...and then you changed. You went from attentive, loving and kind to calloused, detached and cold.
The first change came in November…I cut you some slack because you had mentioned the holidays were stressful for you and you were already stressed about work and I assumed some of the changes I was seeing could be attributed to that. You wanted to cool down, so we did. But then December came and you became less and less attached to me. In fact, you would do things intentionally to push me away or leave me out. And when called on it, you wouldn’t even acknowledge it. I didn’t understand what happened; how you had became this shell of the person I knew before. And then when things didn’t improve, I gave you what you had been acting like you wanted- I gave us a break. You needed time to think. You said I confused you even more and so a break would be good to give you some space. So you took the break and cut off all communication with me. You ignored me even more than before. You blamed it on being stressed and tired. Surprise. And then for the finale, I broke it off with you. And you didn’t even respond. Well, 2 days later you did with an apology of some sort.
Clearly I played into your hand. How could I be such a fool? You wanted me to break up with you so you would be able to chalk the relationship up to ‘she broke up with me’. I can just see it now…people ask why we’re not together and that’s all you’ll say. But oh how I wish you would be honest with them and tell them the whole story.
You aren’t choosing to be the man you started out to be…and I can see you right now saying, ‘well, this is how I am’…and that’s such BS because you are better than this. You are better than how you treated me. You are better than how you treat yourself or your family. You are smarter than you’ll ever admit. The legacy you’re writing, the way you live your life, the choices you make, how you treat yourself and others is not how your parents taught you to live. You are better and you know it. It’s just way easier to pretend you’re not so you can go on living in such a way where not even flies land on you.
What makes me feel crazy is that I know you’re better than this, you know you’re better than this and yet you refuse to show even the slightest decency to me, the smallest regard by acknowledging your complicity. It’s maddening to know that you’re incredible and that you’re refusing to be incredible. It’s as stupid to me as someone who knows how to swim and yet chooses not to, so they drown.
I think part of loving someone is giving them what they ask for and you kept asking me to leave, so I finally did. You had me believe that you were trying to work it out when you simply weren’t. I gave you chance after chance and even when you refused to show me the slightest bit of grace I still let things slide. If I treated you the way you treated me, you would have walked out a long time ago. You requested I give you more time and then you just walked out on me and don’t even care that you hurt me. You said you cared for me. You told me to dream. You invited me on an adventure and then you walked out.
I loved you the best I knew how. I pulled strength and dignity from reserves I didn’t even know existed so I could stand under the burdens you placed on me. I was willing to hold on because I knew that inside of you is a champion. I wanted honesty and to be loved and I was patient. I was there for you, mostly at the expense of myself...like when you would yell at me for my past relationships and judge me and make me feel like I’m second rate for things I did before I even knew you. I would sit there and take it because I thought you would work it out, I thought you needed time to deal. Or when you’d get drunk, call me names and say stupid shit but then try to laugh it off as if you didn’t mean it- I gave you the benefit of the doubt and let it go. The conversations we’d have when you painted me into your future, creating a future with us and our kids and the house...the whole nine yards. I wanted to have your babies and grow old with you. I would rather fight with you than not talk to you. I didn’t make fun of you and was extremely careful to protect you. And even in my hurt and pain, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to be a burden or cause you pain. And sometimes it seemed like you wanted to injure me just for sport, just to ‘spice things up’ or incite me to a point where I’d fight with you and prove that I was like all the others before me.
So, if someone asks why it is that we ended, tell them it ended because you wanted it to and you took every chance you could to break me down, hurt me, use me, lie to me and break me. You took every cheap shot and low blow repeatedly to wear me down and that finally you reached success. You finally found the button to make me walk away, even though you could never find the button to make me fight with you. You finally poured enough salt in the wound that is currently my heart. You finally caused enough pain in my life where staying where I was would mean death to all things good and priceless in me. You finally made me question my worth and beauty enough to make me cry because you refused to answer questions. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be, but I tried my hardest and was honest. I was warm when you were cold. I believed you when you asked me to, I tried to not ask questions when you asked me not to, I supported you when you needed it, I helped you when you needed it and I offered help even if you didn’t need it, just because I wanted you to know that you weren’t alone. Despite my efforts to make you happy, to make you feel loved, to make you feel honored, special and on top of the world, you refused to accept them and instead pissed all over them. And so, until you choose to change, until you choose to be healthy and until you choose to pull your head out of your own ass, you will continue to poison yourself, hurt everyone in your life and continue to dwell in places of pain and injury. That is, until YOU choose to change, you will only perpetuate the pain you’re choosing to hold onto.
I am unlike any other woman you’ll ever know. Don’t even try to compare me to your past. And someday when you are in my recently held position, wanting so much for the other person to hold onto you the way you’re holding on to them, my prayer is that they will treat you with infinitely more grace, love and deference than you have ever shown me.
I can’t believe I spent all that energy and time trying to convince you of your worth when you spent just as much time and considerably more effort trying to show me how much I wasn’t worth. I deserve better and now I know better. I deserve a guy that tries to make it work and wants to make it work with me. I deserve that guy that thought I was his dream girl and was captivated by me and breathless when he would look at me and talk to me. I am that girl, I am phenomenal and worth the risk. I am so much more than what you tried to reduce me to.
I’m done pretending. And I’m most certainly done waiting for that awesome person to come back. I’m tired of waiting for you to decide what you want. But mostly, I’m just done with it all and I've left the confusion behind.
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