giosue

it's not often that i sit and write about the people in my life- perhaps i should- i know i wrote about my cousin, but she is. . .well, she's one of those extravagantly real people that you can't help but wish you'd be able to accurately depict with such limiting words. i love her.
but this one, this post is about my brother. it was his birthday yesterday. and traditionally in our family, you get the most absurdly funny and borderline insulting birthday cards in order to elicit laughs when the cards are inevitably passed around the dinner table. but this year, i decided to get a nice card.
he and i are in a great place in our relationship. he got married in july and it was awesome. i was in the bridal party and it was so cool to see him promise his heart, love and life to his wife. beauty in action.
i mean, he's my big brother. i looked up to him when i was young, wanted to be his buddy, got in trouble with him. we had the best adventures together, built awesome forts together, watched movies, climbed trees, played football (i was joe montana and he was jerry rice- there was a rhyme), navigated the 'mississippi river', shot squirrels and other pesky animals. . .he was very much my hero, my 'north star', my plumb line for what and who i wanted to be.
it's fun to see him grow up and be comfortable in his manliness and do things with intention. it's very esteeming for me, as his baby sister, to see him make good choices, to see his strength, to see his gentleness and to see his courage.
and well, i didn't want to make a joke this year (for once). i wanted my words to matter. i chose them with the intention of encouraging him and letting him know that i'm glad he's my big brother. he's a man of few words, doesn't get caught up in emotion and for his 31st birthday, i wanted to bless him.
and despite the sacrifice of zero laughs (since he didn't pass it around the table), i'm glad i told him what i think of him. i meant those words and hopefully, he heard them.

<3

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -C.S. Lewis

Ah, the unloved life seems such a waste. I think I finally agree wholeheartedly- through trial, triumph, lessons, pain and joy- with the age-old adage, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
My heart is in everything I do and it is the lens through which I see everything. I don't know any other way to exist. And even if I could change it, I don't think I would. . .in spite of the tragedies that are bound to happen, the inevitable awkward situations and conversations, there is something so real, so beautiful, so alive and so pure about a heart that is open, vulnerable and honest.
God has given me my heart for a reason. . .and I know it's not meant for hiding. . .

The anticipation is palpable!