what an incredible meeting it was. from the first time i met him, literally, the first time, i was impressed by him...to see him again a year later was coincidental...and then the following year, to see him again, to be remembered by him was...intoxicating.

i've heard people say these high and lofty ideas when it came to love and i honestly never thought it was true. i thought they had to be exaggerating even in the slightest. but every day i experience exponentially more love and excitement being with him than the day before. to write of the things that are in my heart or that he says to me would sound like i had made them up.........

we begin again....

while i don't think 6 months is a lengthy time by any stretch of the imagination, it feels like a lifetime has passed since i last posted...to read where i was and to know where i am now...so much has gone on...and so i thought it appropriate to begin again where we left off...
many previous postings have been about the lament of my love life, the torment and sometimes tumultuous existence i had as a single woman. and really it's been in these past 6 months that my life has changed profoundly and permanently. i no longer wish to be seen or known; i am known. i no longer want for things i could only dream of; my dreams have been met and entirely exceeded. i no longer hope that one day i will be loved and chosen; he chooses me and he loves me incredibly so. there is no hiding, no embarrassment, no fear, no pain, no trepidation, just love. this deep-seated, pure, unconditional, unabashed, limitless love for my other.

someone asked awhile ago who i would like to meet...my only response was 'a soul similar to mine, somewhere in the vicinity of my arms'.
and somehow that happened.

scatterings of thought/brain matter

"Now let me say this. You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever had the privilege to be around. I mean it. There are very few men that can spot beauty from across the room and there are many women who half-ass it, but you, you radiate it."

Somehow, for some reason, the fact that the man who told me this has impaired vision and dementia didn't negate his compliment. There was a sweet persistent innocence about him that made his claim credible.
I hope for the day, not necessarily that I believe the above statement about myself, but that someday I'd be able to navigate between the lies and truths being told to me by others who have all their faculties.
I hate being deceived.
I'm exhausted by males who promise the future to get what they want in the present.
I'm someone who despite my experiences- both good and bad- I've somehow maintained my naivete...and I find myself thinking that since I wouldn't do something to a person, they surely wouldn't do it to me. So when I find out the compliment was a lie, the invitation on an adventure was empty, they judge my actions more harshly than they judge their own, or they aren't who they claim to be...most often, I'm blindsided by it.
I'm tired of falsity, being unfulfilled, being lied to, looked over, used...I just want someone who is believable, someone who will stop me from wasting all my love, someone who is trustworthy, someone who is worth the risk it takes to expose my heart, someone who takes the risk to choose me...
In other news, I decided I'd rather emanate love than beauty if I had to choose, but I do still wonder, why can't I have both? Or is it that since love is beautiful, if I emanate love, I emanate beauty?