me thinks too much

i always thought i'd marry young. . .not that my present age is old, but i think i remember believing i would be married by now. . .don't get me wrong- i'm not disappointed at my current singleness- i'm appreciating it.
in part, i think because i saw marriage as the end all- as that place, that reward, for those people. . .all those people who are enough. . .pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough. . .i saw it as this high place, reserved only for those fortunate enough to be found and chosen.
also, i think i was afraid. afraid of my 'otherness'- or at least unaware of its existence. it's a scary thought when unfamiliar with yourself, your dreams (outside of being discovered), your fears, your successes- future and past. . .it's a frightening thing when the blinders are taken off for the first time and you realize that you had such a limited view of your reality. and it sometimes can be a scary thing to think of going it alone in this world.
this journey of mine, this perpetual search for my otherness, so i am able and ready to contribute to a healthy relationship, has taken many twists and turns, has come to a screeching halt, and has also & most importantly taken me blissfully down this road of life- happy for the adventure, hopeful for my other and always thankful for God's grace.
i'm becoming more my own each day. . .no longer quick to judge, more comfortable with what i believe, what i am willing to give up, with the power of my choices, the sound of my voice and laugh, the direction i'm heading, who i am serving, who i have left behind, who has left me behind, and who i am becoming. comfortable to make mistakes and take the time to learn from them because they're mine. there is risk and adventure to be had in forging our own way, choosing our interests, beliefs, pursuits and living our credo. not independent of God. . .but independent of the familiar- of what we grew up with, truly look at ourselves, take responsibility for who we are and move on from that point. . .
i am learning to be content. . .to have a deepened understanding that i am who i am. i am changing, being changed, unlike anyone else and therefore at a different place than anyone else. it's comforting to know that i won't leave this place unchanged. . .
i'm at a peaceful place. . .learning my worth is not determined by what others say or what i do- but by God's decree. my security is because of and in Him alone. i'm coming to terms with the departure of my past, throwing off my old self, assuming a new position in life and arriving at a state of grace.
grace for others. . .and for me.